3 Motherhood Truths I Wish I Would’ve Known
If you’re a mom, going to be a mom, or want to someday be a mom… I’m pumped to tell ya I think you’re in the right place at the right time. This post is going to be raw, real, and straightforward – not something we typically get when it comes to talking about motherhood. This post serves a purpose: so that you’re clothed in an armor of truth above all else.
*Sits and stares at screen while picking nails*
Well, hang on. First of all!!!
Why is it so hard for us to be vulnerable to the world [especially on the internet]? Because, come on. Deep down, we all know everyone has struggle stories. We know no oneis perfect. We know the tiny little posed squares of Instagram are misleading compared to life’s true moments and snapshots.
So, if we “know” all of this, why is it still a little intimidating, why are we hesitant, to share our less-than-perfect?
I think it’s because we see struggle as somehow tied to shame. And I’m here to tell you your struggle should be tied to your victory. Because without your struggle, there’s no tears of joy. There’s no getting to the other side. Without your struggle, there isn’t a lesson to pack in your arsenal and pass on to your friend, or sister, or coworker who needs to hear it. Struggles, shortcomings, falling down and skinning our knees makes us human. And nothing gives me more confidence than failing as a human and having a chance to point to God’s grace that ultimately, somehow, led me to victory.
And when it came to motherhood, I could write a million words on what I didn’t know, what I learned, and what I wish I would’ve done differently. That’s where I’m hanging out today. Three areas of truth that I didn’t recognize, believe, or realize until the damage was already internally done (more on the damage for another post, if you guys would want to hear more on that). I’m on the other side now, with scars that I can finally look at without tearing up (most of the time), so let’s get into the good stuff.
Because motherhood is good. Think about it… For almost a year, you get to bond with a soul before earth ever knows it’s existence. Don’t get me started on the scientifically holy miracle of motherhood cause I’d stay there for hours – let’s get to your heart.
Your mind.
Your inner space that you need to arm and protect like it’s the last thing you’ll ever do, so help me God.
3 lessons for transitioning to motherhood that have nothing to do with bottles or burping or diapers but have everything to do with the condition of your heart, mind and spirit:
1. Perfectionism isn’t what you think it is. And it will attack outta nowhere. And you may not even recognize it.
Let’s dive in. And don’t skip this paragraph, cause that’s what I would’ve done a year or so ago. Perfectionist?? Me??? Nope. I’m the furthest thing from it; most laid back girl ever. I’m so simple! I don’t care about appearing perfect. I don’t have to have perfect hair or makeup or appearance. Ponytail life. I go with the flow. I laugh at myself. I don’t get embarrassed when I mess up, I’m human. I’m flawed.
K. I learned long after having Riley that perfectionism was eating at me and I didn’t even know it. Cause all those things I just mentioned are tangible, physical, and skin deep, on the ‘outisde’. Perfectionism can manifest beneath the skin, in the realm of fear, feelings and psychology.
As I became a mother, and the months began to pass, and all the pressures were mounting, I had absolutely nointernal log of my thoughts, or the direction they went, or how I was talking to myself in my head or anything of the sort. These could be simple thoughts such as, “You don’t make homemade pureed foods for Riley. You’re busy working? Figure out your priorities and be better. When was the last time you planned a family outing? I thought you were a creative person, your weekend looks boring.”
* NOTE: For the 6,312th time, please read Dr. Caroline Leaf’s “Switch On Your Brain” for more on the power of your thoughts.The book saved my life.
Once I realized that I was INTERNALLY placing unrealistic, perfectionistic expectations on myself and continually beat myself to pieces over every little thing – without ever saying a word – I realized the toll it was beginning to take on me. Physically.
Learn how to ‘take every thought captive’ and listen to how you speak to yourself in your head. Actually listen to your thoughts. Take your thought patterns back. Did you know that God made you with the capability to literally ‘rewire’ your brain? It isn’t a buzzword. It’s scientific, and you can physically reform your brain by calling out and calling your thoughts into question. Readjust, re-form, re-word, and respect yourself on the inside and watch the beauty glow without end on the outside.
2. The Comparison Complex
Again. Like perfectionism, I would have told you that I’m a ‘pretty confident person’ who doesn’t walk around in the muddled sadness of the comparison game. Tbh I’m honestly too busy for that. But we all know the “comparison is the thief of joy” quote, and boy is it real. And guess what. I wasn’t comparing myself to everyone else – I was comparing myself to an unrealistic version of myself I thought I should be.
Be cognizant of the unrealistic expectations that may sneak in (see number 1) and make a home in your head. You may not be comparing yourself to a certain person – but you may be constantly weighing yourself against a mythical mother that doesn’t exist. I’ll never forget crying on the couch about something and my husband saying, “Why are you doing this to yourself? Who do you think you need to be?” Cause no new-ish mom I know has the house continually perfect or feedings figured out or all the outfits or all the insta-moments.
Are you being realistic? Are you giving grace to everyone but yourself? Here’s a good barometer: If you wouldn’t say it to your best friend, don’t say it to yourself.
3. Don’t be ashamed of your valleys.
This one is hard for me. But know this: in life, they’re coming. And the valleys will be around again. And I’m betting you’ve made it through one before. Nothing you’re going through could possibly take God by surprise. Motherhood just brings a type of valley you haven’t been in before; you feel responsibility and blame and every tiny little echo of repercussion for the tough things you’re walking through. And here’s the truth about me: if you would have told me growing up, or even before being a mom, that I’d be someone who walks through depression and anxiety, I would’ve been completely shocked.
That’s not me. That’s not my heart. That’s not who I am! I am strong. I am confident. I know my worth. I am certain no two journeys in life – heck, especially mom-hood – are the same. But for me, I now have a better idea of why PPD/PPA came about in my life.
Another post for that, too, but it was from trying to completely rely on myself. Spinning all the plates. Not listening or taking hold of my thoughts. Giving grace to everyone but myself. Trying to be all the things except myself in my little moment in time. And it’s not something I’ve ever shared before, because part of me hurts when I think about the places I’ve been. But what hurts worse is thinking about another woman going to that place and feeling alone as I did.
Don’t be ashamed of your valleys, be courageous in speaking up, and be ready to tell your story to moms and gals around you that need this same encouragement. Every word matters!